Crunch time.

Wait, is it? I’m just not feeling it. Yes, i’m in my mid twenties, of course I shouldn’t be – but then, I guess that all depends on perspective.
I was put in my place today, and rightfully so. Shamefully, I verbally judged a decision about possible marriage arrangements between my relatively young coworker (and friend) and her current boyfriend. Another coworker (and friend) came to her defense and pointed out that many marriages have been happy successes and have started at even younger ages. She literally told me “…so bite your tongue!” Ouch.
Honestly, I was never the type to dream of things like the perfect wedding or the “all-American” lifestyle. Sure, I was boy crazy from the time I started pre-school (I haven’t forgotten about you, Gary) and in high school I put stock in the “schedule”. You know, the one where you go to college for your dream career, meet your future husband/wife in school and after graduation, you both get jobs in your field, get married (by this time you’d better not even think about being over 27), have 2.5 kids and you live happily ever after. To an extent…..I thought that was how it was supposed to happen. But I didn’t think about it a whole lot. By the time mid-college rolled around and I took a look at where I was in my life, the thought of being married two years later (had I followed the schedule to its utmost degree) scared me to death. At that point, I wasn’t consciously scouting the perfect mate, like some of my friends openly were. The frustrating internal conflict had arisen in my peers, and I ended up being subjected to their fears of ending up alone. And it wasn’t just my girl friends either. A lot of guys would come out of the wood work, confiding in me their fears of not knowing how to meet someone outside of school, not having anything to offer because of their salaries, etc. But what confused me then, and still does to this day…..was the fact that I seemed to be the only one not really worried about whether or not I was well on my way to a white picket fence.
I find it convenient that everyone in my age range seems to find “the one”, all within a span of 5 years of each other. It must be some kind of weird magic drink they’re serving at bars now, that I haven’t had the courage to try (Love Potion Number 1,357). Or maybe there’s something off about my brain and the way it processes the idea of a worthy relationship. Or maybe…..just maybe…..all these people really do know what love is to the extent that they will do everything possible to uphold their vows and stick it out through thick and thin, thereby substantially reducing the percentage of divorce rates in America within the next 30 years. Was that a run-on?
I don’t mean to be cynical. I do have faith in love and the relationship it can build between two mature adults. But I guess I just have a hard time convincing myself that a lot of it, at least for people my age, doesn’t have anything to do with the pressure of the “schedule”. And I can’t say it’s completely their fault.
It’s society. How many commercials do we still see today, geared toward the idealistic “American dream”? SUV commercials on TV marketed to the family unit that of course goes camping together every two weeks. There’s also the pressure from peers who have skipped down Matrimony Lane themsleves. The inquiries of when you’re popping the question or the “you know you’re going to want a baby as soon as I have mine” statements. And lastly in the society category: It’s just how life progression is supposed to happen. (Insert baffled look and awkward question-like gasp coming from my vocal chords). I can see how situations like that can be very burdensome and pressuring to a twenty-something.
It’s also family. Pressure from peers is one thing – pressure from blood relatives is another. And luckily for me the only reason I know this is from observation. Way too many times I have witnessed a mother say to a daughter “..well you’d better get on givin’ me some grandchildren”. This astounds me, as I could never imagine bringing a child into this world, raising him or her to be the very best individual they could be, only to stick my nose in their personal business and tell them they need to reproduce so that I’m not bored. The part that kills me the most about this is that on an unconscious level, children always want to make their parents happy. Talk about the ultimate pressure. And maybe we’re going off example – good or bad. Maybe we don’t want to end up divorced and “alone” like our parents or maybe we are trying to live up to a unique and rare (but not impossible) relationship that’s obviously a desirable model.
And last but not least, and for the sake of cutting this entry shorter than I could – it’s biology. Being a woman, I can sympathize with the grievous thought that our bodies will only produce so much healthy goods for so long – and then we run a multitude of health risks for both ourselves and our babies. I can see how the panic process would begin and some of us might cling to what we’ve got or what seems “ok” enough to deal with (…for the foreseeable future) in order to satisfy the biological urge to bare children.
This I believe, is where we are supposed to separate our emotional, primal instincts from that ever so seemingly illusive fatty mass sitting inside our skulls.

I just thought this playbill was sweet.

In my opinion, there needs to be some using of our brains in these situations to decipher between a possible beautiful union and a desperate flailing of the limbs, grasping at any last chance we may have at ’til death do we part. Full circle – I know that many couples get married and have babies in their twenties because they’re ready. They are lucky enough to say they have found the person that will treat them with the respect and love they deserve and are both ready to take on whatever life has to throw at them together. And good for them. But for the most part, I feel this is an exceptional circumstance. How well do we even know ourselves at this point? How ready are we to know and accept that change is a lifelong process and that if we’re serious about this marriage thing, that we need to help each other through it without resentment? I’m just not so sure.
The opinion I voiced earlier today was challenged and rightfully so. That doesn’t mean it has changed….just might mean my argument needs to be stronger.

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