Accentuate the positive…to a point.

Most of the time, I find that when I hear this phrase, it’s referring to the physical. You may not agree and honestly, I’m sort of hoping you don’t. Accentuating the positive physically, mentally or emotionally is a wonderful thing to do within yourself but I have found it to be slightly (and in some cases extremely) detrimental when someone takes it to a limit it wasn’t meant to cross. Let me explain:
We have all had those people in our lives that for one reason or another, treat us poorly. Poor treatment can manifest itself in many different forms, intensities and situations and yet for some reason, we have all let it happen to us – maybe more than once and for longer amounts of time than we should allow. This is where I believe accentuating the positive in another person or group of people can be taken to an unhealthy level. One that allows us to make excuses for otherwise unacceptable behavior and can create a very negative image of ourselves. There have been numerous times I have found myself rationalizing abusive behavior only to feel less than worthy minutes, hours maybe days later. I would tell myself almost unconsciously, that this person was cooler/better/smarter than me and for some reason, I was the one who needed to change. This activity is dangerously habit forming and a lot of the time, unrecognizable.
When I look back and apply this to my own life, I am pleasantly surprised to find that with a lot of tough love and support, I have been able to step back and look at certain situations, whatever they may have been, for what they were worth. Instead of making excuses or trying to find the most positive thing about that individual that would make his or her actions ‘ok’ (in the process rendering my initial feelings of let down undeservedly shameful), I would just get sick of it. I would no longer accept the “but she was so nice to me yesterday”s or the “but he’s so awesome when we’re not around those people”s or the “you don’t know her like I do”s. There is only so much of that a person can take until they have to stop and realize that in one way or another, they’re being manipulated or just plain blind.
I love my friends because they’re real. I never find myself having to justify their existence in my life and I do my best to make sure they never find themselves doing so for me. I am grateful for learning early on how to be able to tell when I may be making excuses for someone who is obviously not out for my best interests. This helps me to avoid future painful situations and also helps me to assess when I need to make dire changes in my circle. My mother calls this “weeding the garden”. It’s never fun but almost always necessary. I really don’t like seeing people fall for the internal “but he’s so funny” or “it’s understandable I was put down, I’m nowhere near as funny as she is”. A lot of my own self respect has come from understanding what I will and will not put up with.
We all make mistakes, we all have positives and negatives – I believe it’s when we let others hurt us that we end up hurting ourselves.

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